It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
