Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize