This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
