And the cops told us we were all naked.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
