People in love make me want to vomit
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize