dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Randomize
