I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
