not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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