MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize