I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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