My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I love you. Go after that dick
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize