new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
