Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
