Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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