I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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