you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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