the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
