did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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