Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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