I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
