I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
