Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
