if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
