it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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