i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
