just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
