Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's just like the Real World with babies
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
