Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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