where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
