Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
