My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
