Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
