Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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