In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
