I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
