my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
