After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
