i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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