I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
