Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
