first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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