I wish life had little blips of pornography
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
