i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
