what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize