Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
