This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
