Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
