I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
