I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
