I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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