He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
