Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize