Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
