I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
