bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
