you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
